Flute Jokes =] - 09/17/2008 6:57 PM
How many flutists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but then they insist on buying a solid gold one for $20,000
What's the difference between a flute and a lawn mower?
You can tune a lawn mower
What is the range of the flute?
About 20 yards, if you have a good arm.
What's the difference between a flute and its player?
The flute usually has its head on straight
How many times do you have to tell a flutist to stop playing?
Why bother? They're not going to hear you.
What's the definition of a minor second?
When two piccolos are playing in tune.
So, three notes walk into a bar -- a G, an Eb, and a C. The bartender looks up and says "We don't serve minors." So the Eb leaves and the other two have a fifth between them. After a few drinks, the G was out flat, and the experience was diminished. Eventually, the C sobers up, sees one of his friends missing, the other one passed out, and realizes to his horror that he's under a rest.
Advice for Flutists
If you are first chair, it is not wise to tell the conductor that his fashion sense is just as good as his conducting, then proceed to say that you hate his tie.
If you are not first chair, you should not secretly gain alliances with the other flutists and plan a rebellion to overthrow the first chair behind their back (unless you can get away with it).
You should only throw hateful looks at the conductor when his back is turned.
Only practice your double-tonguing without a flute when you never liked the people around you anyway.
Never, EVER personally murder anyone for calling you a "flautist", no matter how much you hate it. Hire a professional.
Life is too short, don't make it shorter by playing the same annoying phrase in front of someone over and over and over and over and over and....
Never name a baby "Andersen" if he's ever going to associate with flutists.
If you're not laughing at my jokes, you're not a true musician.
Flute Limericks
A tutor who tooted a flute,
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
Is it tougher to toot?
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?
(A classic)
There once was a cat named Bartholomeu,
Who wanted to learn how to play kazoo.
He attempted to blow,
But couldn't you know,
So he just gave up and settled with "mew".
There once was a flute from Cape Town,
That would not produce a good sound.
The tone was too weak,
All you got was a squeak,
But the ear-splitting shatter was heard all around.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who got his head stuck in a bucket.
He tried to get out,
But soon had to shout,
"Help! Over here! I am stucket!"
(Has nothing to do with the flute, but a good one isn't it?)
Just one, but then they insist on buying a solid gold one for $20,000
What's the difference between a flute and a lawn mower?
You can tune a lawn mower
What is the range of the flute?
About 20 yards, if you have a good arm.
What's the difference between a flute and its player?
The flute usually has its head on straight
How many times do you have to tell a flutist to stop playing?
Why bother? They're not going to hear you.
What's the definition of a minor second?
When two piccolos are playing in tune.
So, three notes walk into a bar -- a G, an Eb, and a C. The bartender looks up and says "We don't serve minors." So the Eb leaves and the other two have a fifth between them. After a few drinks, the G was out flat, and the experience was diminished. Eventually, the C sobers up, sees one of his friends missing, the other one passed out, and realizes to his horror that he's under a rest.
Advice for Flutists
If you are first chair, it is not wise to tell the conductor that his fashion sense is just as good as his conducting, then proceed to say that you hate his tie.
If you are not first chair, you should not secretly gain alliances with the other flutists and plan a rebellion to overthrow the first chair behind their back (unless you can get away with it).
You should only throw hateful looks at the conductor when his back is turned.
Only practice your double-tonguing without a flute when you never liked the people around you anyway.
Never, EVER personally murder anyone for calling you a "flautist", no matter how much you hate it. Hire a professional.
Life is too short, don't make it shorter by playing the same annoying phrase in front of someone over and over and over and over and over and....
Never name a baby "Andersen" if he's ever going to associate with flutists.
If you're not laughing at my jokes, you're not a true musician.
Flute Limericks
A tutor who tooted a flute,
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
Is it tougher to toot?
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?
(A classic)
There once was a cat named Bartholomeu,
Who wanted to learn how to play kazoo.
He attempted to blow,
But couldn't you know,
So he just gave up and settled with "mew".
There once was a flute from Cape Town,
That would not produce a good sound.
The tone was too weak,
All you got was a squeak,
But the ear-splitting shatter was heard all around.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who got his head stuck in a bucket.
He tried to get out,
But soon had to shout,
"Help! Over here! I am stucket!"
(Has nothing to do with the flute, but a good one isn't it?)